I come to you today with a heavy heart because as you know writing these blog posts week in and week out is like having open heart surgery. Typing out my thoughts, experiences and lessons I have learnt is not easy and often means I need to put aside my pride and sometimes embarrassment in hopes that someone reading this will be changed for the better.
Today is no different, In fact its pretty hard because there are many people that go through friendship battles that lead to friendship loss. I have had many people come to me to ask for friendship advice and I try my best but at the same time I feel like I am the worst person to be helping in the topic as I feel like I have been a total failure in this area, mostly because I have either been immature about how I have reacted to something or I just have not had the wisdom to know how to deal with conflict. So I would just act out in my own strength and then I would be surprised as to why the friendship ended. Now I am not saying that the other person was not in the wrong but I can not speak for them, I can only speak for myself and part in it.
When we go through things in life like friendship conflict we need to have one stance on it only and that is to choose to grow instead of repeating the same behavior over and over. We have to choose to be committed to change even if we feel like the other person is more at fault. I do believe that there are a few major things that could be the cause of a friendship falling apart and I would love to share those things with you so that maybe it will prevent you from going through the same things I have.
1: Un met expectations
I think often we think that if you don’t put effort into something then it wont grow, now I do think that is true to an extent but what I think damages a lot of relationships is having expectations of that person that you have not even told that person. Eg: your love language is quality time and all you want to do is spend time with that person but their love language is maybe acts of service so when ever you want to hang out they are busy and you may see that as them not caring but maybe to them quality time is not on their priority list when it comes to buildning friendship. And because their love language is acts of service they are hoping that you will do something for them and for them that is the way they measure your love for the friendship. Now because you both are so concerned with how u think the other should love u, you do not take the time to find out what it is that makes them feel valued.
When we are selfish in our approach, unmet expectations will always occur. There will always be a disconnect because you are so focused on how that person should value you instead of finding out how you should value them.
Un met expectations also happen because you and that person have not communicated your frustrations. If you both carry on with life as though all is good and peachy even though something is bothering, you have one of 3 choices. You can ignore it and let it fester develop a hard heart and shut people out because you dont want to get hurt, or you could let your frustration go because maybe you have realised that your friend was not trying to hurt you but it may be an insecurity in you and the reason their behaviour bothers you has nothing to do with them but all to do with your heart! The third thing you could do is actually chat to your friend about what it is that is bothering you. Even if your friend does not take it in the way you hoped at least you can have the peace that you communicated your expectations.
2: Hidden agendas
This is a touchy one, but sometimes people want to be our friends because they feel they can get something out of it. Ultimately that causes an under lying emotion of dis trust in the friendship because you are never sure where you stand with this person because either they want to be friends with you because you are friends with other people they want to be close to or because you offer something they wish they had. Its hard to say but some people have hidden agendas. These are what I call toxic friendships and they need to be disposed of asap because someone will get hurt. People with hidden agendas may be amazing people and there is no doubt that God still has big plans for them but when it comes to who you do life with I think we need to have confidence that the people who are our lives are people we know are loyal to us and people we know we can trust. I would suggest that if you are in a situation like this with a friend always try communicate with them your feelings if after that they act defensively or maybe dont respond at all then all you can do is wish them well and move on with your life.
I wish that life was easy and that we did not have to go through hard times but it isnt easy and trouble will come, all you have to decide is how you will deal with the road ahead wether its a smooth ride ahead or a bumpy one. I really hope that by reading this you can identify to these things so that you can walk away either thinking what is it that you can change or get better in or maybe you have just been the victom of toxic friendships and you need to remove yourself from that and stop being the victom!
Those were just two things I thought of that I know distances people but maybe you have experience something else and you overcame it, Id love to know. Let me know in the comments section or if it is too personal mail me Id love to chat with you.
Images: Paige Wood Photography