All I wanted to be when I grew up was wife and a mom. You know have a family, live in a nice house with not a care in the world. I guess I could imagine it because my mom did such a great job at making me and my brother feel loved and taken care of. So it didn’t seem like a very far fetched thought to imagine me having what she created for us.
Only now that I am an adult I see how much of a hero my mom really is. My mom is strong, gracious, loving, caring, she did anything and everything she could with what she had to make my childhood the best it could be. I didn’t see it then but I do now, as I myself headed into that season of life where having my own kids was a possibility I started thinking what kind of a mother would I be? ( anything close to my mom would be an honor )
I got married at the age of 25 but as many girls could possibly relate I already had my wedding planned out on a pinterest board and my kids named, possibly a rough sketch of what my house would look like, you know all those completely normal things that girls think of. ( insert hand over face emoji ) When I got married I was ready to have kids. I had the 5 year plan you know, have kids before I’m 30 so I can be that young mom just like my mom was with me. I had this ideal in my mind and had no idea I was heading toward a road of disappointment.
I am 30 this year and I have no children YET, even writing that sentence I have to stop tears from falling onto the keypad. I have felt like I have missed out on creating memories with my children even though they don’t exist yet. I know it might sound strange to some people, heck some of you might be thinking that I am still so young and I shouldn’t even be worrying about kids yet. Fair enough 30 is still young but when you have been ready and waiting for something to happen for 4 years it gets pretty hard to keep positive. I have had all the thoughts one could have. Like maybe because of my past I am getting punished ( so silly ) or maybe kids just aren’t on the cards for me? Maybe I wouldn’t be a good mom, so its probably for the best!
It wasn’t until about a few weeks ago when my church hosted a women’s conference called COLOUR that I got the most beautiful revelation. Let me set the scene for you. Im just a girl in the crowd of about 5 thousand ladies. Our Senior pastor Bobbie Houston feels the need to pray for all the ladies in the room that are struggling to fall pregnant. My heart started to beat so fast because I knew I should stand but I felt so vulnerable and I felt like all eyes were on me in that moment. Yet something came over me and I stood ( no going back now ) about ten seconds into Ps Bobbies prayer I felt a hand on my shoulder, a friend had come to pray alongside me. Tears streaming down my face I prayed with her as we believed Gods will to be done.
God showed me something else that night, he whispered lyrics of a song to me. ‘ While i’m waiting, i’m not waiting’
This what I have learnt about waiting:
GOD IS IN CONTROL
In the season of waiting to have kids I can rest in the fact that God is in control. He is the author of my story. It is my job to have a story that is worth telling, instead of just sitting in a corner feeling sorry for myself. Live life to the full even when things are not going my way.
STOP COMPARING MY JOURNEY
I would often count my self out of things if it wasn’t going as I had hoped. The same happened when I wasn’t falling pregnant. I would look at all my amazing friends around me having babies and would think what have I not done or done to not have a family of my own? Or even thinking some ladies have been waiting way longer than me to have kids so why am I even feeling sad.
I learned comparing my story with others only does me more damage and keeps me focused on what I don’t have instead of looking to God and thanking him for what I do have.
WORSHIP IN THE WAITING
The song that God whispered to me is called ‘As it is in heaven’ It has kept me going in the past couple of weeks when I have felt down. Worship carries you. Singing life over your waiting is so freeing and puts your spirit in line with eternity and Gods purpose.
I encourage you to watch the video clip below. wether you have never heard this song or maybe you have heard it many times. I pray it speaks in to your situation.