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When the walls are caving in

Posted on 3 5 m read 157 views

Do you sometimes feel like God has forgotten you? Even though you know deep down that he hasn’t, I mean how could he, he is God. God is all knowing and perfect in every way how could he forget about me?
For about a year or so I can honestly tell you that, that is how I felt when it came to the plans God has for my life. Even though before I became a Christian God very clearly put many dreams in my heart one of them being to sing, and now about 10 years later I am actually living out part of that dream. I see it now!….. but let me take you back to the beginning of this year. My heart was in a completely different place and I felt the walls caving in on my dreams.

January 2016 was hard for me, if you looked at me or even spoke to me you wouldn’t have picked anything up. I have a way of hiding my pain ( which is not good and I am working on it ) My heart was sore and feeling vulnerable because I felt as though my opportunities to be a worship leader were dying. I thought maybe its just not for me, maybe I really am not good enough. I started doing what I thought I would never do, I started comparing myself to the others around me ( my friends, and leaders )
Eventually I found myself in a desert place with my thoughts and what made it worse is I had no water ( the Bible ) to quench my thirst, despair, or negative thoughts. It was not a good place to be in. I started feeling sorry for myself. I completely took my focus off of the dream giver himself, why? You might ask…. because I was upset with God, I felt as though he had let me down. So for a little while I stopped reading my bible because I felt discouraged every time I read it, not because what is in the bible isn’t truth but because my heart had been bruised. I allowed myself to be vulnerable to what people would say to me about my worship leading or singing. I let the words of people around me influence my thoughts and actions instead of letting the word of God, the Bible do that for me.

Looking back on this year I can say it has been a very trying time for me in my thought life. God has challenged my convictions in a way that only he could. We have come to the end of 2016 and I can say that I have a clearer perspective, a more pure heart and thoughts that don’t control me….. but can I just say that there is no way that I would have been able to have learnt what I did without going into that desert. Ok let me explain:

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THE DESERT PLACE IS A PLACE GOD TAKES US IN ORDER TO HEAL US:

If I did not go through this time of feeling dry, it would not have given me chance to get real with myself. You see when I felt alone, not good enough and basically feeling sorry for myself, I had no choice but to finally get desperate with God. I finally had a good crying session at home and just poured out all my hurt and frustration on him. I had not done that in a while. For the first time in a long time I felt like the tears running down my face were healing tears. A sense of surrender broke over me and I allowed God to meet me where I was at in that moment. I took my eyes off myself and turned them to God. Suddenly this desert place didn’t seem so scary and in that moment of vulnerability with God I knew that he still had me and he had not forgotten about me. In fact it was quite the opposite.

GOD PURIFIES OUR HEARTS IN A FIRE:

Sometime in order to see the light at the end of our despair we need to go through a fire ( a hard time ) It is easier said than done But I feel that as someone who has been through a few testing times in life, I can truly say that if I had not been through the hard times I would not be as strong as I maybe am now.

TRUST GODS TIMING:

Allow God to mold you into the person he has called you to be. Sometimes that takes time. Sometimes it requires us to go through challenging seasons so that we can let God be God in our lives.

TRUST GOD TO BE YOUR EYES WHEN YOU HAVE GONE BLIND:

I said in the beginning that I am singing as a worship leader in my church, that has been on of my passions and dreams for a very long time, so why was I still complaining to God and thinking he has forgotten me? Sometimes when we are in the middle of our messy thoughts it clouds our judgement and distracts us from what God is trying to do. I was singing week in and week out at church but I was constantly comparing myself to others journeys ( but how come I never get asked to lead, they have been in Church less time than me and they are always leading, they must be better, well liked, more spiritual and the list goes on )
That completely blinded me to see where I was in that current moment. You see God was using me and still is using me to show people the love of Jesus and ultimately thats what it is about. Its not about where or when or how I got the honour to be on platform, its just the fact that God is using me at all in any way wether I am on stage singing or not. Allow God to be your eyes when you feel your fleshly eyes are giving up on you.

God has the perspective goggles! Put those on when you feel your focus is being shifted.

God has not forgotten about you and the plans he has for your life. Your character and your journey is just as important to God as the promise being fulfilled in your life.

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References from this post were taken from a book called Soul Survivor by Mike Pilavachi

Thank you to my Friend Keilah Green for gifting me this book.

 

XOXO
3 Comments
  • Lalannie
    December 5, 2016

    Wow, Tami. Thank you for sharing this.
    I have watched you grow vocally over the last year and have never doubted your ability. You are an amazing worship leader and you lead the church with such conviction and heart. I do believe that there is still so much within you and that you are still holding back. I would like to encourage you to take full control of your gift and sing to the one who created you.
    I think you are beautiful! Keep on singing because we are listening and singing with you!!

  • Ronel Augustyn
    December 5, 2016

    Thanks so much for being vulnerable. I battle constantly and am encouraged by your wisdom! Mwa.

  • Natalie
    December 7, 2016

    Thank you so very much for your honesty, your truth, and your bravery in sharing your heart. You have inspired me in a way that no amount of thanks will be sufficient. You are beyond remarkable.

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