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How the absence of a parent affects you

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I woke up this morning and as I was having quite time I started to hurt a bit as I memories of my mom crossed my mind. Now for those of you who know my story would know that my mom is not really in my life. Just to set one thing straight, this is not a pity party. I believe that sharing can help so many people.

I started to realize how long it takes to really heal. One of the most heart-breaking thoughts is that some people don’t even know that they’re actually hurt it. They either wear a mask to cover it up or continue to ignore that hole inside their heart. Everyone has feelings, we are all human. I’ve been on a healing journey since March 2013 and I still have off days. I STILL have days where I feel the cracks in my heart.

Through different seasons in life, as you begin to uncover who you are and you experience life, you face challenges, you begin to discover more. I don’t think I can say that there’s a cut-off date for a healing process. You can be completely healed and completely whole, but the Lord never stops working in your heart and in your life, He always reveals something new.

I know a lot of people that come from fatherless homes. Most of my life majority of the stories I encountered were ‘fatherless homes’, but rarely ever motherless homes. I was my own wonder. That’s my story. Whether it be a fatherless home, a motherless home, absent parents or a broken home, I hope that this can help somebody today.

An absent parent genuinely does so much damage.

I stopped having contact with my mom towards the end of 2012 after I moved out of her house. Life ‘without a mom’ (if I can say it that way) was definitely not easy. Being rejected by friends or people around you is one thing, but when you are rejected by a parent – you live your life wondering whether you’ll ever be good enough for anybody to love. I know I did.

It’s still something I’m conscious of today. Will I ever be good enough? Life can become so busy that we forget to check our hearts. Sometimes the fear of dealing with pain, the fear of feeling because we’re scared of what it will lead to – leads us to wear a mask. We cover up and we build walls around our hearts and around our lives. We don’t trust people, we don’t open up, we aren’t vulnerable, we aren’t honest with ourselves, we shut people out because we’re too scared of what they’ll do if we let them close.

The only thing is, when you build walls around your heart for long enough eventually you end up on the other side of it alone.

I know what it’s like because even after finding the Lord, I subconsciously lived my life behind walls for 2 years. Who knows what I could have experienced in those two years if I had just let my walls down. To an extent by building walls you think you’re protecting yourself but you’re not. You’re hurting yourself even more because you’re not dealing with what’s going on inside of you. We become so accustomed to hiding behind a mask, that eventually it becomes a norm and we do it subconsciously.

I’ve had my fair share of crying myself to sleep at night and wondering why my heart feels the way it does and if I’m ever going to feel human again. It’s in those moments, I am reminded that I need Jesus more than anything else in this world. He uses me best when I’m feeling weak and fragile. Through Him, our weaknesses become our strengths.

I’ve experienced the absent-minded parent part as well – when your parents are around but they’re not actually present and don’t take note of what’s happening in your life. Nobody is perfect. I am thankful for a dad that has done his utmost best, even beyond such great personal challenges, to play mom and dad for my brothers and I. By the looks of it, it’s not an easy task. Balancing work life, personal relationships, 3 kids in 3 different schools and time for yourself – I get it. Nobody is perfect. My dad is for sure my hero.

As a girl, I’ve had those “I just want my mom” days. It’s completely normal. Not having a solid relationship with my mom throughout high school has lead me to seek approval, validation and love from elder mom-like figures or even girls who could mentor me and take me under their wing. Everybody wants to feel accepted and know that they are worthy of being loved.

I’ve found that a lot (not all) of girls who come out of either broken homes or fatherless homes tend to seek validation and approval from guys and who throw themselves into relationships to fill that hole that their father didn’t. It’s not an abnormal thing. Our minds react both consciously and subconsciously to certain events in our life.

I know both what it’s like to not have a parent in your life at all, and what it’s like to have an absent-minded parent on the odd occasions. It’s not an easy life to live but I just find that the more and more I delve into God and the more I peel back, the more healing its going to bring.

Writing, both on my blog and in my journal, assisted the healing process so much. It’s so important to acknowledge what you’re feeling so that you can deal with it. You can start at your own time and pace, but just start somewhere. Get it out. Don’t let it bottle up inside of you, it only makes you bitter.

Above all heartbreak and tears, the greatest news is that God says I am worthy, He says I am loved, He says I am enough, He has a plan for my life, He has called me and anointed me to do great things. No man can stand in the way of that. That’s the way it is for all of us.

Shout out to all the single parents out there, and shout out to all the kids out there trying to make things work and figuring life out. Regardless of what your circumstances are like, you can either choose to be the victim of the victor.My heart is steadfast because I know God always has a plan.

 

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Feature image: Brooke Cagle

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